Parenting a sensitive child

Last Friday when I was dropping Jacob off at school, another one of the mother's invited us over after school to play with her son Max. Max just turned 5 years old, but they decided to wait another year before putting him in kindergarten. Jacob was over the moon. He couldn't WAIT to play with Max. I was looking forward to it as well since I've met this mother before and she was super sweet, from the South and lived in Houston for a long time so we seemed to have a lot in common.

Anyway, we headed over to Max's house after school and his mom and I hit it off and were talking about anything and everything. She then admits to me that she's been wanting to invite us over because the teachers at the school said that "Jacob would be a good influence on Max". Without going into much detail, Max has shown some regressive behavior since he's always around younger kids and his Mom expressed this to the teachers. In turn, they encouraged Max to form a friendship and bond with Jacob. My Jacob. He's not even 4 yet. He would be a good influence on Max.

To say that my heart swelled with pride would be an understatement, because I literally almost started crying right then and there in her kitchen.

At the same time that my heart is aching (in a good way) and my eyes are welling up with tears, my brain finally clicks on and I think to myself, "Why then, do we have so many battles at home?"

Don't get me wrong. Jacob is a good kid. He's a great kid. But he's also a very sensitive kid which is a behavior that is very difficult to parent sometimes. I don't know how to handle the situation when he's broken down in tears for the 15th time that day because he can't get a toy to work or because he's spilled some milk on his shirt. It's downright exhausting.

Fast forward to yesterday. Jaemie and I decided to take the kids down to the mall so that they could play inside and we'd have lunch after. Jacob's first meltdown was in the car when he took Maddie's blanket from her and I told him to give it back. In the early part of the day, I usually have extreme patience and this day was no different. I calmly explained to him that it is not nice to take things from people and how would he feel if Maddie grabbed his blanket out of his hands? Tears and screams ensued and I warned him I would turn the car around. He finally calmed down and we were on our way. We get to the mall and he starts playing in the play area. When Owen arrives, he doesn't immediately start playing with Jacob (he's checking out the whole place for goodness sake!) and Jacob starts bawling his eyes out screaming "Owen won't play with me!" Once again, I get down on my knees so we are eye level and I explain to him calmly that Owen just arrived and he's checking things out so just to give him some time until he's ready to play. This fit lasted longer and he got upset about it a couple of times. We eventually decide to go to lunch and on the way there, we pass a machine with those little plastic balls with prizes in them. Jacob asks me a few thousand times if he can get a prize. I tell him "if you can sit down nicely, eat your lunch and no more screaming and crying, we'll get a prize on the way out." The ridiculousness that followed isn't even worth typing. There was no eating of the lunch, and LOTS of screaming and crying. My patience was tapped out, and it ended with us abandoning our friends in the mall and going straight to the car. Jacob passed out in the car on the way home which never happens anymore which tells me that he was extremely tired. Was the fatigue causing the meltdowns? Or did the meltdowns cause the fatigue?

Now, I'd like to point out that this does not happen every day, but it does happen, and it's frequent enough that I feel it's worth mentioning now. The entire way home I am racking my brain thinking of a thousand things I could have done to handle it better, or at least, more positively. I get home and I google "parenting a sensitive child" and when Maddie goes down for her nap, I pass out in my own bed from emotional exhaustion. Mark wakes me up 45 minutes later because one of us is supposed to go to Jacob's parent/teacher conference at the school scheduled for 2:20 pm. I ask Mark if he wants to go because I am in such a fog, I can barely form sentences.

Mark comes home and tells me how the conference went. Basically, the teachers raved about Jacob and tell him that Jacob is a perfect child. His written report says the following (these are just excerpts, I won't bore you with the whole thing!):
"he is very patient when it comes to instructions, good listener"
"he is very rule-oriented"
"he is able to work collaboratively as well as cooperatively"
"he enjoys learning from his peers through parallel work and understands the concept of 'taking turns'"
"he is willing to participate in the process of conflict resolution"
"he is very open to discussion and resolution of the conflict"
"he is willing to talk about his feelings"
"he is willing to listen to others' feelings"

And, almost like a dagger through my heart:
"his family seems to be very important to him, and acts as a great source of comfort to him in times of confusion, stress or transition. He will often call out for 'mommy' in a questioning tone during these moments. We assure him that you will be there and remind him of the daily schedule, and then after the reassurance he quickly moves on."

It is extremely encouraging to know that Jacob is so well behaved in school and I am so proud of him after hearing what they had to say and reading what they wrote. I wish I were able to sit down with him and formulate answers to the thousand questions I have about why struggles exist at home, but when I broached the subject with him, he didn't understand at all what I meant and said "Mommy, maybe next time Daddy should take me to the mall." I couldn't help but die laughing. Yes, my beautiful boy, maybe he should.